I’m feeling inspired by poetry and lyrics tonight. My eyes are raw from wiping away my tears on my sleeve. The new year is quickly approaching and this is one I will be glad to put behind me. Without going into too much detail I’ve had to say goodbye to quite a bit this year, primarily what I’m learning was a very unhealthy relationship that even though I’m dating again, and involved with someone who treats me right it’s really difficult to move forward.
I will not undermine that I have now survived cancer for the second time before thirty. And that at thirty I am more comfortable and confident with myself than I have ever been. This year is slowly starting to pull up for me and I hope to carry on in the next three hundred and sixty five days. For now I try to cage myself in the twenty four hours in front of me and lead with one step in front of the other.
I feel broken in many ways, but that doesn’t mean I am unworthy. I may be fractured but I am still whole and deserving of love and I am learning to let that love in. And until then I will read all the poetry I can and listen to the songs that will slowly piece me together.
All my love.
This week the shift has happened from avoiding everything breakup to diving right in to all those painful songs that were no doubt written for this life and the RomComs that will have us laugh-crying till we’re out of Haagen Dazs milk chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bars from nana’s freezer and yes who’s couch I’m surfing cause I was just discharged from a seven month in and off stay at the hospital and my place was mice and cockroach infested n I couldn’t come home from life saving blood treatments to that no sir.
Here’s a snippet of how the breakup is going and your required break up listening song is Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi who I will be seeing in Montreal in October. Homework, I know ugh but I don’t ask that much of you, just that you love me unconditionally and maybe throw a break up song for my repertoire my way… Too much?
Something about the darkness and shining light in all the broken places. Something about making them so familiar I could come to love them too. Or maybe something about gently showing them the way out.
This. is how I will heal.
The song I’m feeling this week is breathin by Ariana Grande***:
I look up and the whole room’s spinning
You take my cares away
I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate
How do I know if this shit’s fabricated?
Time goes by and I can’t control my mind
Don’t know what else to try, but you tell me every time
And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin’
Tonight I’m into acoustic covers on Spotify. When I listen to music I range on each end of the spectrum: totally upbeat, get-you-in-a-good-mood party anthems and at the other end, soul-twisting, make-you-feel-like-love-or-heartbreak ballads. This song hits particularly close to home as it was me and my first love’s “song” and I can never listen to any version of it without simultaneously reliving the joy of feeling what will probably go down as the greatest love of my life and the wretchedness of knowing I’ll probably never come across that again, at least not in the same way.
Poems at the spark in the engine that allows the fuel to do its magic. ✨
For those of you that like dance and can enjoy it even if you’re not good at it, watching and experiencing is the vessel to feed your cathartic needs. The best of visual and audio art is dance, and the best dance, is my guy Kyle Hanagami. I’ve come to be fond of many of his regular dancers and particularly what they do to his choreographies. This one hit a chord. Best played on full screen with good speakers/headphones. These vids are an instant pick-me-up for me, to see beautiful people doing beautiful things.
I found this heart looking for generic ones on my Google images page and discovered this artist (Jamie Derringer) and loved her statement about her works and methods. Likewise I think her approach to art should be a rule of thumb for all of us to use in everyday life.
Artist Statement / My work is an exploration of shape and colour, using layering as a guide. Everything is unplanned and completely intuitive—each mark is a response to its predecessor. The repetition of shapes and lines is an exercise used to escape from everything else around me. I’m a believer in embracing happy accidents and approaching each piece as an experiment.
My first MUSE is Warsan Shire, discovered through my lovely fellow blogger Jen Glantz and the first page of her book is now occupying the space on my Facebook cover image: