I haven’t been writing at all because I don’t want to remember this — any of it. I don’t want to remember the knot in my throat or the pits in my stomach. I don’t want to remember the sleepless nights and very, very difficult mornings. And even though it’s just moving, I am moving out of the apartment where I managed a practically speaking full recovery from a totally extraordinary mental health lapse and I say extraordinary because it was unlike anything I have ever lived.
You know, I have mixed feelings about my disorder. On one hand it has lost me pretty much all I’ve ever had at some given points in time, but in the same token it has brought me closer to everything I have ever wanted. I have lived other lives with my mental health disorder. I have fulfilled fantasies I never thought capable of myself and yet I find myself again plain jane. I’ve gotten to live surreal experiences all through arguably, an overactive imagination, and still have gotten to come back to me as if I had just been in the craziest parallel universe story of my life.
So I’m scared. I fear that I am losing this one constant I have had in my life for the past three years, this one constant that amongst all the chaos of the last thousand some days has stayed consistent, a shelter, a place to come back to, a home. And so as throughout my mania I did not have a place to call my own, literally a drifter with no address and barely anything to my name, I fear now this change of base, this change of fundamental consistency.
The thing is, I couldn’t be more ready. The impending idea of moving forward has dragged on much longer than it should have and I have taken every bit of advantage out of the ease of the old apartment of which I will miss the most is the slow stroll to work all but five blocks away. I think it’s time and even though I’d like to hold on I know that I legally couldn’t stay in the old apartment for much longer.
I have never felt more at home than I did in this apartment. I have never felt so safe and comfortable. I hope my new place can live up to that, and really become a refuge. Please send positive vibes to the new place. I’ll need every good wave I can take.