The God Delusion

So I disclosed in one of my recent posts that for an extended period of time I thought I was the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I titled today’s post ‘The God Delusion’, but this belief is actually medically categorized as a ‘grandiose delusion’ and there are some things about this phenomenon that I want to clarify.

As per everyone’s favourite go-to online source for information, Wikipedia, says:

“grandiose delusions are characterized by the fantastical delusion that one is famous, omnipotent, wealthy or otherwise very powerful [with a] religious, science fictional or supernatural theme.”

Let’s be clear: this is NOT a God Complex which is not necessarily related to a mental health disorder.

When my delusions started, they started subtly. Have you heard of The 6 Degrees of Bacon? This is what my thought processes looked like unmedicated. It starts with something kind of like that, under the surface. It was sort of like making connections out of hundreds if not thousands of connections in a day, and all it took was a keyword or sentiment to start the pattern and the conclusions I would draw from these connections would drive my beliefs, my thoughts, and my behaviours.

…like Wikipedia loops: you look up one thing like Semi-Pro the movie and then link; link; link; link; and suddenly, I am one is found studying the hierarchy and intricate world of pollinating honey-bees and seeing this as a kind of metaphor for how society works. What I am reading is largely interpretive. What I am understanding could be a derivative or subtext to what you maybe meant to say, it might already be one connection away and what you say is not what I hear. I’m on a completely different level. It is not what is implicitly said, it is the tone, the underlying connotations that have the most impact and drive these conscious yet sub-surface thoughts.

It is a potent breeding place for paranoia and can spin me one into a very dark place. These grandiose delusions are not too common but not such a rarity that they haven’t been designated a name in the DSM.

The pressure of saving the environment, of being the fairest in justice, and having ultimate forgiveness; all characteristics of the divine souls of the likes of Jesus were no longer my responsibility and my responsibility alone. I could be human and flawed. I still held and hold myself to a standard of all these virtues, but I could let myself off the hook for not finishing my meal and wasting food. There was not this unspeakable urge to force down every last grain of rice for fear that I was not living up to our righteous leaders.

When it comes to my grandiose delusions, there is a self-deprecating moment of comic relief in conversations in my recent conversations. It is a unit of measurement for me, a testament to just how far gone in my psychosis I was. It’s like: “I was so crazy I thought I was Jesus!” But it’s not crazy! I hope this humanizes the idea for you and this helps you understand how small things can get blown out of proportion even for the sanest of us, and maybe make you more considerate and sensitive in your dealing with those suffering from mental health disorders.

As always, all love,

xo

Ashlinn

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