A Thought on Mourning Pt. Deuce

So some of you may have noticed I was visibly absent from the #BellLetsTalk discussion. There is a simple explanation to this: I was helping a friend in need and away from any and all social media for a few days. But I don’t think the discussion should start and end on this one day a year.

This friend of mine is dealing with a loved one who’s status is considered palliative, and she is the sole caregiver. She picked me up in a cab from the hospital around 2:00 AM earlier this week so that we could begin getting her place in order for her loved one to come home to die. We ordered food from one of the only restaurants open at that hour and chatted about his fate and what was to come. As she ate her first meal of the day, since during these times of crisis we often forget our most basic needs, I told her my experiences with death and the loss of a loved one.

This in hindsight wasn’t the smartest thing to say but I told her that the hardest part for me was getting over the ‘ever’. In my experience, my mum died around midnight, and when I went home that night I sat on the couch staring into the distance until 8:00 AM and tried to wrap my head around the fact that I would never, ever see her again, and she was never, ever coming home.

My friend started to sob. I felt awful. How could I say something so insensitive during this very sensitive situation? I later that day was on the phone with my dad and I told him about my indiscretion, and he said “You know what though? The memories last forever too“. I thought this was so beautiful, and I told it to my friend in hopes of a little redemption and to maybe console her a bit.

So as I said in my previous post, take your time in mourning. Everyone does it differently and there is no right or wrong way to mourn. There are definitely destructive and productive ways to mourn, and I hope you find the differences in these but our process is unique to us and we all need to go through our own stages of mourning.

As for the #BellLetsTalk… No they didn’t get 5 cents from me this year, but you can bet I’m going to keep the conversation going. If your mourning and finding it difficult, if you’re not and just need help, please reach out. No burden is less than anyone else’s. We all need validation and to be heard through our struggles.

Love you all dearly,

xo

Ashlinn

 

 

 

One thought on “A Thought on Mourning Pt. Deuce

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  1. Hello beautiful! I have spoken to your personally but I would also like to write you a little reply here. You my friend have been nothing but amazing to me in the last week.
    You did NOT offend me or hurt me at all with your words. I was coming home from the hospital having just been told he had days left. As you said I wad exhausted and drained from helping him for quite a while all on my own.

    I HAD to cry. Something had to come out. I wad holding it in which as we both know is not at all healthy. Like I told you I think the cat could have refused my attempts at petting him and I would have bawled haha!

    And as you know I have been running on adrenaline and been so so so busy the last few months going through this by myself that as stupid as this may sound the thought of him dying wad not even in my head. I had no time to think about it.

    It hit me like a brick that night. Which is a good thing.

    What you said was not insensitive at all in no way what so ever. It wad not rude nor offensive.

    I consider myself lucky and privileged that you trust and care enough about me to share your experience and how you felt. Which is what you were doing. And what you said is part of what will happen and things I need to hear and think about.

    Now that was one sentence which again never would have even occured to me that it wad rude or offensive in any way.

    I was blessed by some angel to have you in my life this week. You were the right person at the right time. You knew exactly what to do and how to help. You were simply amazing!!! You cleaned my house. You listened to me all day from the hospital every day. Encouraged me, consoled me, gave me wonderful insight and opinions and shared ways to cope.
    I came home to a clean home. A meal. A lovely bath with candles and after that a magical foot and hand rub.

    I felt so amazing and so much better. And most important of all to me. I didn’t feel alone at all. I was with someone I was very comfortable with, enough that I could be myself completely which is a rare and amazing thing. I felt loved, cared about, special and as if I mattered.

    I will never forget what you did for me and how you were and are there for me Ashlinn!

    I don’t even have words to express my gratitude. You are an angel to me.

    I love you very much and appreciate every little thing you do. I hope I say it enough.
    THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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